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- Who was your previous employer? - I was in a band. Severe Tyre Damage.

- In a band? - I just wanna know one thing.

Are your kids well-behaved, or do they need, like, a few light slams every now and then?

- I'll have to get back to you. - Wow!

Ja, my name is llsa Himmelman. I want to know how many children do you have?

- I have two girls and a boy. - Oh, a boy!

I don't work with the males cos I used to be one.

Yikes.

Hello.

Leyla, get back in your cell! Don't make me get the hose!

Hello?

I am job.

- Do you speak English? - I am job.

I'm sorry. The position has been filled.

Oh, what a nightmare!

Let's go in for the kill.

Hello?

I'm calling in regards to the ad I read in the paper.

Yes. Well, would you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Oh, certainly, dear.

For the past 15 years I've worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England.

That's Smythe, not Smith, dear.

And for them, I did housecleaning, cooking, and took care of their four glorious children.

I grew quite attached to them after 15 years, but they grew up, as children tend to.

Oh, but listen to me. I am going on when you should be telling me about your little ones.

- Well, I have two girls... - Oh, two precious gems.

No doubt the jewel of your eye.

- And one boy. - Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.

I must tell you, a little light cooking is required.

Oh, I don't mind that, dear. I'd love some heavy cooking.

But I do have one rule: They'll only eat good, nutritious food with me.

And if there's any dispute, it's either good, wholesome food or empty tummies.

That's my rule. I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.

No!

Would you mind coming on an interview? Say, Monday night at 7.30?

- Oh, I'd love to, dear. - Wonderful.

I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.

Steiner. Oh, how lovely.

- Could you tell me your name? - My name?

I thought I gave it to you, dear.

No.

- Doubtfire. - I beg your pardon?

Doubtfire, dear. Mrs Doubtfire.

- Well, I look forward to meeting you. - Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.

- Bye-bye. - Ta-ta.

Showtime.

- Daniel, hi. - Could you make me a woman?

Honey, I'm so happy!

- Oh, come here. - I knew you'd understand.

- Is this gonna hurt? - Don't whine. Just relax.

- Are you sure? - Just remember, pain is beauty.

OK, take a deep breath. Instant eye lift.

And the strings are under the wig.

- The man has five-o'clock shadow at 8.30am. - All right, we'll start with make-up.

- I'm not gonna wax. - Don't worry. We'll just lightly spackle.

- I feel like Gloria Swanson. - You look like her mother.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille.

OK, everyone. Let's pray.

I hope you are using Jungle Red. That is the color I love.

- Matches your lips. - God bless you.

I'm feeling fabulous because I met this beautiful Cuban.

Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.

I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.

I don't know. This would scare the children. Maybe this is too much for them.

I think we have to go to the next level.

Latex.

Oy, it was such a shandeh.

I should never buy gribbenes from a mohel. It's so chewy.

- No, I feel like Bubbee. This is not working. - Don't worry.

It's a work in progress and you're my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed.

- God bless you. - We'll have to do the entire face.

But look at this nice thing we have here.

It's not working. I need to go older.

Older? Like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?

- What's the difference? - Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.

- What about Joan Collins? - I don't think I have the strength.

But I have some plaster.

Are we close?

Any closer and you'd be Mom.

That's disgusting!

The most revolting thing I've ever seen.

Awesome.

What is this? Turn it off, will you?

Come on. I want you to meet this lady with me.

I want you to be polite to her, then... tell me what you think.

Everybody stand over here and help me decide what to do.

Hello. Mrs Hillard, I presume.

Yes. I'm Miranda Hillard.

Euphegenia Doubtfire.

Yes. Won't you please come in?

Thank you, dear.

- And these must be the cherubs. - Yes.

- This is Natalie. - Oh, hello, Natalie.

- Are you wearing bug spray? - Nattie!

It's quite all right, dear. No offense taken. I was a little liberal with the atomizer.

And at my age, it's like a good Stilton. Everything has its own aroma.

I admire that honesty, Nattie. That's a noble quality. Never lose that.

It often disappears with age or entering politics.

Look at that face. You remind me of Stuart Little,

one of the most honorable creatures in all of literature.

- Do you know that book, Stuart Little? - Yeah! It's one of my favorites.

Mine, too! Maybe I could read it to you - if I get the position.

- That would be wonderful. - And who is this strapping young lad?

- This is Chris. - Hello, Christopher.

Hello.

Jeez, you're big for a lady. You could play for the 49ers.

Well, I was a fullback. But that's European football, dear.

- Soccer? - Yes. You play soccer, too?

- Yeah! - Oh, isn't that amazing?

Yes, I was captain of the women's team. We won three university championships.

Oh, but that was decades ago!

But I was more disciplined then. I always put my studies ahead of my athletics.

I'm sure you're the same and you've done all your homework already.

- Well, not exactly. - Really? Oh. That's a pity.

Young men who don't do their studies often miss out on more amusing activities.

- And who is this young lady? - This is Lydia.

Hello, Lydia.

This isn't fair, Mom. Why do we need a housekeeper anyway?

- This is all I need. - Why can't Dad do it?

Dear, I don't think it's appropriate to argue with your mother in front of a stranger.

I just don't see why we can't spend the extra time with Dad.

Maybe she's right, dear. Maybe their father would be a more appropriate person.

No, I don't think so.

It's not my fault, honey. If he would get ajob and a decent apartment...

- You see, he's the kind... - Excuse me, dear.

I'm sure you'd want the children to step out of the room

before you verbally bash their father. Hm?

If I did that, I might never see them again.

- I'm sorry. You're right. - No harm done.

- You're absolutely right. - I'm not a therapist. I just see what I see.

Why don't you guys go on upstairs? I'll be up in a minute.

- It's lovely to meet you. - Yeah, nice to meet you.

You too, Lydie.

- Oh, they're a spirited bunch. - Yes.

- Especially Lydie. She's got daggers for you. - I know.

- They're very upset with me right now. - Probably the divorce.

How did you know?

You can sense it, dear - the way she talks about her father.

I don't think he's in the Navy, the way she's saying she misses him. It's like he's nearby.

- Yes. - Oh, that's so sad.

- Would you care to have a cup of tea? - I'd love that.

- It's right in here. - What a lovely home you have.

- Did you decorate this yourself? - Yes, I did.

Oh, it reeks of taste! Isn't this lovely, dear!

- Here's my r閟um? - Oh. Thank you.

- Let me start this tea. - Oh, no, dear. Let me get that for you.

You've had a hard day. You just sit yourself down on that stool and leave the tea to me.

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

Oh, not at all, dear.

- Oh. What a wonderful r閟um? - Thank you, dear.

"Expert in first aid and CPR."

And Heimlich manoeuvre, dear.

You can never be too prepared when little ones are around.

They'll swallow anything. You've got to be ready to pop it out.

Oh, let's see.

What a perfectly appointed little cubby!

Look at this. Everything has its place and name tag.

How precise! It's lovely.

My husband never appreciated it.

Oh. Poor dolt.

That's not the reason you divorced him, was it?

No.

It's so sad, because marriage can be such a blessing.

So can divorce.

Daniel is a very difficult man to live with. But the children are crazy about him.

You don't have to be a psychic to sense that.

My, you certainly do know your way around a kitchen!

It's just because everything is so accessible. You designed it.

I'm amazed there isn't a little label there that says "spoons".

You remind me of someone.

Really? Who?

I feel like I've known you for years.

Maybe we knew each other in another life.

I would love for you to come and work with us.

- So would I. - Great!

It would be an honor.

To us.